Oh, here we go again. Tesla's dusting off the old "Roadster" promises, and everyone's acting like they haven't been burned before. Seriously? I saw the first "model" at that Giga Texas party back in '22. It looked like a prop from a low-budget sci-fi flick.
Elon's been "dropping hints," Business Insider says. Dropping hints is what he does best, right after overpromising and underdelivering. We're talking about a car that was supposed to be here in 2020. Now they're saying "at least two to three years from production"? Give me a break.
Butterfly doors? Okay, so they're ditching the four-seater idea from the 2017 prototype. Because that was the problem. Not the fact that the whole damn thing has been vaporware for years. It's like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. And these "insiders" who saw the designs? Sources say the design team has been known to experiment... Translation: they're throwing spaghetti at the wall and hoping something sticks.
They hired five engineers for "aerodynamic prototypes" this summer. Five? That's it? That's supposed to inspire confidence? It's like trying to bail out a sinking ship with a teacup. And get this—they "mostly paused work" after layoffs in April 2024. So, what, this whole thing is a side project they get to when they're not busy firing people?
Musk thanked the "long-suffering deposit-holders." He thanked them? These are the folks who handed over $50,000 and got nothing but delays and excuses. Some of them, like Sam Altman, even got their money back. Good for them. Maybe I should ask for a refund on the emotional investment I made in thinking Tesla could actually deliver something on time.
Zero to 60 in under a second? Flying car hints? Oh, please. It sounds like something out of a bad James Bond movie. My friend Peter Thiel wants a flying car, so he should be able to buy one? What is this, a tech bro fever dream?
And then there's this patent for an aerodynamic system that could "allow a vehicle to stick to the road at high speeds." A professor said it would probably only be on "premium vehicles." Offcourse. Because safety and handling are only for the rich, apparently.
Earnings decks dating back to January 2020 have said the vehicle is in "design development." Translation: we've been talking about this for five years, and we still don't have anything to show for it.
But wait, are we really supposed to believe the patent office is staffed with superheroes who know everything?
Tesla's playing the hype game again. They're dangling the carrot of a futuristic sports car to distract from whatever else is going wrong. Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't help but feel like we're all being played.
